Malcolm at the Crossroads


Original Airdate
September 27, 1965
Directed by
Written by


Andy hires Ernest T. Bass as a school crossing guard and compounds the problem by replacing him with British bicycler, Malcolm Merriweather.


Ernest T. bass takes a job as a school crossing guard to earn enough money ($50) to buy a tent and a lantern for his honeymoon with Ramona.

Andy fires him because he throws rocks (and then a brick) at cars that don't stop when he holds up his sign.

Malcolm Merriweather takes over the crossing guard job, which infuriates Ernest T. That is further complicated by his recognition that Malcolm is English, which as an Irishman means to E.T. that he must hate him.

Ernest T. challenges Malcolm to a fist fight at high noon. After much effort Andy dissuades Ernest T. from fighting by telling him Malcolm is half Irish.

Unfortunately Ernest T. finds out the truth in the epilogue.


  • This is the last appearance of Ernest T. Bass and Malcolm Merriweather. This episode is also the only color episode these characters appear in.


"My Mommy and my Daddy was both Irish, which makes me Irish too. I am a proud product of their mari-tal bliss!"

"You Englishter, you low-down, ornery Englishter!"

Goober: "Want me to train you, Malcolm? I used to be a bully when I was younger!".


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Andy's Rival Aunt Bee the Swinger

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